Immortality DailyPost#15

Yes I missed yesterday.
And with school starting back on Tuesday I may miss more.
However I am still aiming to post most days, even if I change my goal to a post a week, there'll still be more from me than last year so no complaining! ;)

I decided to use the writing prompt from a couple of days ago;

If you could live forever, would you? Why or why not?

If I was given the choice to live forever I would not take it. Surprising as it might seem, I have no desire to live forever. That would mean seeing all my loved ones passing on, it wouldn't take very long before I was extremely lonely.

Besides, we are not meant to live forever. If we were we would!

xoxo

Outdoor Movies DailyPost #14

We all had one of the best days today. The boys and I got to go to a picnic at a friend house, the twins got to catch up with lots of their school friends and I got to chat with the lovely Mums. It was such a nice way to spend the last day of the school holidays (Except for Monday, but I don't know if I count Monday since it will really be a busy day preparing for school).

We followed this up with a trip down to the Arena to watch the outdoor movie with some of the same lovely friends, and also with my niece and nephew. It was such a nice night, not to hot and cloudy (Yet I still got sun burnt), and we got to have a picnic dinner. Bliss.

I am now quizzing my lovely husband on some of the strange things I have been known to say in the middle of the night when he is trying to sleep so I could share, but he's drawing a blank. Too sleep deprived he says. Often I'm half asleep and get a sudden fear - like that a person/ghost is hiding in the walk in closet, or a rabid squirrel ghost is breaking into our house. By the time I have made my lovely husband go and check everything, he gets back to bed and I am fast asleep. More recently I have apparently had a fear that my legs are turning into trees. Yeah, i don't know where that comes from.

xoxo

Musings DailyPost#13

It's been a quiet day today. I was feeling unwell and decided to let myself rest, so have been relaxing and not doing very much at all. Which doesn't really make for a very fascinating blog post.

I have been feeling quite motivated to get back into exercise now that it is safer for me to do so. I went for a walk all on my own last night with some music and it which actually really nice. Maybe not the best idea given the chill wind and my ever present chest infection, but nice nonetheless.

Tonight even though I haven't been feeling so well I managed to do 20 minutes of Pilates.

And now I'm fulfilling my daily post obligation and listening to the twins arguing. TWO HOURS past their bedtime and they just will not go to sleep. So much for getting back into routine before school starts!

xoxo

When I'm reading a book... DailyPost #12

Unexpected DailyPost #11

I had two very unexpected events occur in rapid succession today.

It has been a reasonably long day as I'm not feeling well and I had to drag myself down to see my General medical Specialist. That all went well, nothing new there. I was very lucky that my wonderful MIL had the twins for me so they had a great time there instead of hanging out at the hospital.

I managed to get my concerns across about my weight and actually be listened to. That was nice for a change. The specialist made some light hearted yet serious comments;
"With all you have been through, I would just enjoy every single day if I were you"
"Being overweight right now is the better alternative." (Coming off medication which would be BAD)

But it ended up being a strange kind of day. Where small comments went full circle and gained much wider meaning by the end of the day.

I got home reasonably late and decided we would have an easy dinner. During our meal I received a phone call from my Mum letting me know my Poppa is in hospital with a second suspected Heart Attack. I love my Poppa dearly and he is having such a rough time with his health.

Just after hanging up from my Mum I decided to explore some of the blogs I used to follow before my blogging break. One in particular came to mind, of a fellow PPCM survivor which also chronicled her weight loss journey. I was shocked to find that nine months ago she suffered a Cardiac Arrest and passed away. She worried so much about her size and how she looked, right up to her final post. It really struck a chord with me, and made me think of what the specialist had said in a new way.

While my sweet blogging buddy may have carried some extra weight she was a beautiful person. And a kind person.

Which to me counts for so much more.

xoxo

A Sound That makes me Smile DailyPost #10

What is your favorite sound?

My most favourite sound would have to be my two little boys chatting to each other. As babies I often wondered how the two of them would relate to each other. Whether they would have a strong bond, if they would be competitive with each other, if they would be friends or would barely tolerate each other.

As it turns out, so far so good. At five years of age they have the typical sibling arguments - they are around each other almost 24/7 it would be odd for them not too. They definitely have their love-hate moments and times where they argue just for the sake of it. But over all they are great friends, and LOOK OUT anyone who crosses either one of them. They have an amazing sense for when one or the other of them is in trouble. It can be quite scary if they think the other is getting an unfair deal.

I love also when they make each other laugh. They have the most amazing senses of humour developing and we can often hear them giggling when playing together or when they are meant to be going to sleep.

Some of my other favourite sounds?

• Bird song
• Waves crashing on a beach
• Rain on the roof
• Listening to all my sisters chatting
• Craig's voice

xoxo

DailyPost #9 Does it count?

Does it count as a post when it is only one sentence about whether or not a post counts?

Why yes. Yes it does ;)

xoxo

Growing your own DailyPost #8

Well I have never been one to consider growing my own Vegetables and/or fruit. I am absolutely petrified of bugs, so the idea of gardening in itself creeps me out, let alone planting my own food, trying to keep bugs off it and then risking eating something that may or may not have a bug in it.

This is not an entirely irrational fear. When I was younger a friend of mine had a huge apple tree growing in her garden. The one time I took one to eat, I discovered a hole in it before I took a bite. Thank goodness. Her sister was not so lucky and ended up with a mouthful of apple mixed with worm. I still shudder when I think of it.

However I was lucky enough to receive a tomato plant for Christmas from my most wonderful childhood (Not the same as the apple incident!) friend. I have never been great with keeping plants alive, but with this being a gift and being a plant my friend had carefully grown from a cutting of her own plant I decided I was going to really try hard to keep this one alive.

And I have.

Not only is it alive, but it has grown amazingly well. On our kitchen counter. Now it is at the point I need to find a new home, and I'm actually looking forward to the possibility of having tomatoes I managed to grow myself! Luckily we have a glassed in area on our deck, so this is where our lovely lone tomato plant will go, and hopefully thrive.

Now I have started thinking about what else we could try to grow, and ways to avoid my bug and mud aversion. I have found some raised gardens which would look lovely on our deck, once we can afford to buy some. From this lovely gift of a tomato plant I'm actually becoming slightly interested in growing more things of my own.

I know some of my lovely friends have vege gardens, do any of you out there have any tips or advice for someone VERY new to the idea of vege gardening?

xoxo

DailyPost #7

I had a few ideas for today's post:

Seven Things I love about the number Seven

An interesting conversation I had with the twins about Good & Bad (Will do this in the future!)

A revisit to the Spoon Theory


However I am not doing any of these. Instead I am feeling really bad because I can be so unreliable. My memory is like a sieve at times, which is why I keep a diary AND a calender AND a computer based planner. But I missed something off all three somehow and ended up missing something important to my friend tonight. Worst of all it was a gathering and I think I kept everyone waiting for me to turn up, which I didn't since I had forgotten. AND because I am feeling really unwell today I wasn't able to rush down when I received a lovely phone call reminding me the party was meant to have started half an hour ago. So people waited for me and I didn't have the courtesy to turn up

I really suck.

I could just accept the fact I simply forgot, and forgive myself. Except I can't, I feel really bad and worried. And sick. Not such a great combination.

So I just am not in the space to write anything clever, funny or thought provoking. I'm just wallowing and hoping I feel a little less terrible in the morning.

xoxo

Adventure DailyPost #6

So today against my better judgement I decided to take the twins on a train ride, then a walk up to Daddy's work in the city. I'm not feeling the best at all -with an extremely sore chest when I breath and a distinct rattle in my chest it would probably have been better for me to stay home. However, then I would have missed out on the look on the boy's faces when we got on the train. I would have missed an experience, one I thought not that long ago I wouldn't be able to tackle on my own.

It was very worth it, despite the fact I now feel sore everywhere and the rattle is even loud enough for Craig to hear it now. I am definitely going to rest tomorrow. But for today, I gave my boys an adventure. For today, we were explorers :)

xoxo

Why? DailyPost#5

So it's mid summer here at the moment and the last two days have been, to me, incredibly hot. I used to love days like this, especially today where the sun was out and the sky was a clear and beautiful blue. That was until I made acquaintance with heart failure and her buddy Fluid retention. Whilst I am doing so much better in regards to my heart health, I still struggle with fluid retention particularly when the weather heats up and it starts to get humid.

Added to this is my sensitivity to sun which developed shortly after the boys were born. I can be in the sun for as little as a couple of minutes and get burnt, I can feel the sun burning me the minute it touches my skin. I end up getting heat stroke very easily, and time spent in the sun can lead to a flare up of aches and pain everywhere. So i now slather myself in sunscreen, have a giant floppy hat and consign myself to the shade.

Which is fine. I still get to enjoy time outside with the boys, despite my quickly lobstering skin, giant hat and swollen ankles. Though this summer I have been really enjoying being inside on the rainy but warm days playing board games and (Bad Mummy I am) the occasional PlayStation game (Our fav at the moment is Scooby Doo!).

Which leads me to my question of today. WHY? When the recorded high yesterday was 30 degrees Celsius and the high today was somewhere near that (Haven;t yet checked) did our neighbour decide to light their fire? And why or rather WHAT in the world would cause horrible black smoke and a sickly horrible smell? Benjamin and I have had a annoying chesty cough ever since we inhaled the lovely smoke our neighbour shared. I ended up closing all the windows on what was one of the hottest days we have had.

Which makes me curious. Am I going to be the scary/crazy lady who wears giant hats, sneaks around in the shade and locks herself inside the house on the nicest days of the year?

Next summer should be interesting.

xoxo

Not a whole lot to say today... DailyPost#4

This is what is going to happen when you post everyday I guess.

And it's only day four!!

It's been a busy, wonderful day with a very good friend of mine, and two of the twins bestest buddies. So I'm tired, in a good it's been a busy lovely day rather than a I'm exhausted for no good reason thanks chronic illness way.

It does mean though that I am not finding much inspiration in today's writing tip over at The Daily Post . The tip is a good one, I just can't think clearly enough to write a post on it. So instead I will count a couple of my blessings for today.

Number One: Aviva. Your comments have made my day and I feel such a connection with you though we only know each other in blog world. I think of you often and pray for you to feel better, receive a treatable diagnosis, and one day even be cured! I receive so much inspiration from your posts. xoxo

Number Two: New friends. One of my big blessings is connecting with a new a wonderful friend. It has been so so great to click so completely with someone, and so much fun finding out all the new things about my new good friend :)

Number Three: My tomato plant is growing! This may seem a small thing, but with my history of killing any plant I've ever looked at this is quite a miracle.

Soooo this is where I will leave things for today. I need a sleep!!

xoxo

Everything Happens For a Reason DailyPost#3

I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason. I also believe that in the moment it is not always necessary or meant to be that we discover the reason.

For me, I believe that my husband and I were blessed with twins to help ease the pain of discovering we could never have another biological child due to my heart condition. I believe the struggles we have encountered as a couple have made us stronger. We have faith in our love for each other, but also realise from experience that a good marriage takes work. Our struggles, particularly through my initial diagnosis with Heart failure, has shown us that we can overcome even the scariest and life altering things life has to throw at us.

There are many other things I am yet to discover. The good and the bad that has happened which is all part of a bigger plan. That isn't to say that I think I have no control over my life. I feel I need to take responsibility for my actions and do all that I can to lead a life I can be proud of. My belief in something bigger than myself though does get me through some of the harder times in my life.

Here I think one of my favourite quotes from a classic movie (Kung Fu Panda LOL) fits in nicely:

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it"

xoxoxo

Wacky Advice? DailyPost#2

Todays writing prompt:
Describe the wackiest but most useful advice you’ve ever received.

I have thought on this one for most of the day, trying to think of some piece of funny yet helpful advice. I have been in many situations to have received some real gems. Unfortunately much of the funny advice has thus far failed to be all that useful.

So I changed my approach to this. Instead of focusing on Wacky funny I began to think about times I have received advice that seemed all good in theory but I wasn't sure how I could put it into practice. The times I have been given a small nugget of advice, and over time have realised I am actually holding onto a piece of gold. My favourite, and one which comes to me often is this;

You can not change others, you can only change the way you see/approach things

Now this may not seem all that wacky. However in the position I was in when I first heard this I was confronted with a new and unfamiliar way to deal with my problems. Many times if someone was upset with me, didn't like me, did something to hurt me I took it as a sign that I wasn't good or kind enough. I worried insesintly and would do everything I could to try to "make" someone like me. When I received the above advice I realised it wasn't saying I had to change who I was, I couldn't change the other people involved and make them like me, I have no power over whether someone will enjoy my company or not.

Upon this realisation, I also received the following advice from a close friend:

I have an Apple and an Orange. If you choose the Apple, you are not saying that Oranges have no value. The Orange is still a tasty and nutritious fruit, it's just at this time in your life you prefer Apples

I love this idea. It is so simplistic without all the complications of human relationships, but still makes a lot of sense when applied to the situations I struggle with.

This was a tricky piece for me to write. I'm kinda glad it's over for the day and it's only day 2!!

xoxo

If you had a time machine… DailyPost#1

If you had a time machine that only let you spend one hour in a different time, what date would you go to?

Initially when I read this I automatically went back to the events of my past, imagining where I would go to spend this precious hour. It wasn't until I read a fellow bloggers comment over at The Daily Post that I realised one could go into the future and discover things which would be of later financial value.

I still would chose to spend my one hour in the past. Not to change anything (well not majorly) but to re-experience one of the most precious and amazing times of my life.

I would go back to July 4th 2003, early evening of my wedding day. I would choose to go back to the time just after we had our meal and enjoy my first dance with my new husband all over again. I would enjoy being in a fit and relatively healthy body once again, as well the excitement that came with the newness of our marriage.

The one thing I would change is to make sure I had a Daddy-daughter dance. This is the one and only thing about my wedding that I wish had happened. The evening went so fast it wasn't until the next night that I realised I had danced with Craig but not my Dad. That would have just been the icing on the cake.

Yes, to spend one more hour in Fiji on the night of my wedding would be bliss. I will forever have those memories, and thanks to this challenge have in some ways relived this moment!

I’m Posting every day in 2011!

Thanks to the wonderful Nikki I have discovered The DailyPost, a blog which gives ideas and challenges on blogging each day or week for an entire year. And since I like to throw myself in the deep end I'm going for the daily challenge!

This is most certainly going to be a challenge for me. I am hoping though that it will also inspire me, will be fun and enjoyable along the way.

Any of my wonderful friends/blog followers who are still here reading my blog after my long absence, Thank you for sticking with me and Please help me stay motivated with this. Comments & Likes will be HUGELY appreciated and very motivating :)

xoxo

Kicken some chronic illness ass

Haha, I said Ass on the Internet! What kind of google searches will I come up in now?

I've been feeling reflective today and thinking back to December 6th 2006, the day I was officially diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and faced an uncertain future. I have been thinking about how I view the anniversary of my diagnosis each year, and how this has evolved. I have always felt a sense of achievement as each year has ticked by, a a feeling of having won one more year of my life back from a heart condition I shouldn't have had to worry about for many more years.

In the earlier years, as the first year of living with my diagnosis went by quickly followed by the second there was also a sense of loss, guilt and sadness attached to each anniversary. I looked back on the things my illness had taken from me - a chance to have more children, the experience of having energy to properly take care of my twins on my own, actually energy to do anything.

Something has changed. I'm not even sure when it began, but certainly this year as my fourth year of living with a heart condition I was seeing things very differently. A sense of victory and smugness as I have survived. I am a survivor, not a victim. I have found things I can make choices about rather than focusing on the things I have no control over. I have a little evil chuckle to myself as I think of how this year I lived well despite the annoying presence of Dilated Cardiomyopathy and the increasing presence of an autoimmune condition.

I get tired easily, I get ill easily but I also live well and I love every small achievement. Even if I get to the point that I am completely 100% physically well I would not want to put behind me all that has happened. That would be ignoring a huge influence in what has made me into who I am today. I'm getting to quite like that person.

I also consider the odd day of feeling down, a few days of being frustrated by my body, some times of grieving for what may have been COMPLETELY normal. I'm sure I will still have those times. I hope I still have those times, they make me compassionate and understanding. Over all though my focus is truly changing. I feel for once I really am not defined by chronic illness. Just one example, I no longer feel the need to say I am a Stay At Home Mum due to illness, rather I say it is by choice. With factors which influence that choice of course but MY choice all the same.

How lucky I think I am to have experienced such a life changing illness. How lucky am I to be surrounded by loving people? To have seen first hand the kindness of human nature.

Lucky. And a hard working fighter. And though I know there will be days where I feel I am losing the fight against Chronic illness, I know I am winning the war :) I am living a blessed life with Chronic illness.

Thoughtful

I have had a story buzzing through my mind for a good number of years (10!) now. I have always meant to get it all down o paper, not for the purposes of necessarily having it published or widely read but just to get it out of my head. To put the characters to rest on the page so they stop popping up in my mind all the time.

I was part way through the first half of a very clunky first draft when I met my darling husband. Then I lost my desire to write as I was so busy enjoying falling in love and the consequent beginning of a family. All of you who have followed me here know what happened after my pregnancy, and with little twins relying on me and a struggle to regain my health any thoughts of writing went by the wayside.

Until the end of last year (Can you believe 2010 is now last year!?!). I have been seeing a counsellor to help me unravel my feeling around being chronically ill, and I bought up how much I enjoyed writing and yet I never did it anymore. That story was still there, waiting to be written. It has evolved over time and my first attempt and restarting it hasn't gone well. I did no planning and jumped right in, quickly losing interest as it just didn't feel right.

I also tried writing about other things. Short stories, stories based on my illness, anything but none of those eventuated as my old characters kept sneaking forward.

So now I feel like I need to have a proper go at this. Once an for all get this idea out on paper and see where it takes me.

My goal for 2011 is not to complete a novel. It's not even to write a certain number of pages. Simply I would like to get the workings of this idea out on paper. A plan for where I would go with this story, what the characters would be like. To see if it would work before I pour however many hours into writing it.

Wish me luck! These characters have been haunting me for 10 years already so we'll see how hard it is to shake them!

xoxo

Busy

These holidays are speeding by in a happy blur of busy-ness. I have had the good health to enjoy a couple of outings with my three boys, and the good sense (Finally!!) to rest when I need to.

We have managed a walk (albiet the shortest one) at Battle hill, a trip to the Horse races which my sweet Benjamin has been waiting a long while for, trips to the library, trips to the pool and lots of time with family and friends, especially one of my nephews and one of my nieces who make our family outings feel complete.

In amongst all that I have had some really tired days. I had one day where I couldn't make it out of bed all morning, I was achy and sore and just tired. I felt a little bit of anxiety creep in, which always happens when I am that tired and have to stay in bed, and I managed to make it go away! It was such a relief and I am hoping that 2011 gives me even more insight into learning to live positively with my illnesses.

One of my dearest friends Anushka is currently visiting the country she was born, and I am missing her very much. Any prayers, good thoughts, positive vibes whatever you like to do, if they could be sent her way so she enjoys safe travels.

xoxo

Happy 2011 Everyone!! :)

Well a lot has gone unrecorded during 2010 but that doesn't mean nothing was happening. My beautiful little babies decided to go and turn five on me, meaning the beginning of their school journey and the first time I would be on my own five days a week.

My health continued to be much of a puzzle, with my Decemeber trips to the specialists bringing some light and good news. My heart is functioning close to normal now and I am now in the maintanence stage, keeping this heart which has been through so much healthy. A second visit to the rheumatologist has bought a tentative diagnosis of unspecified Autoimmine disease. Unspecified due to the fact my blood tests have come back non conclusive but I display all the signs and symptoms of a autoimmune condition so have started on a medication (Plaquenil) which will build up slowly in my system over the next few months and hopefully will bring some relief.

2011 for me is going to be a year of recovery and focusing on myself. I am going to rediscover all those things I enjoy, continue to learn how to live with chronic illness and try to feel less frustrated with my body.

So if I had a new years resolution it would be this. To record more of what is happening during 2011 just to see how far I have come and to enjoy focusing on this journey called life.

xoxo <3