tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636013544201496362024-03-22T03:25:07.345+13:00Living a Blessed LifeCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.comBlogger121125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-85095511296820168112013-09-10T21:19:00.003+12:002013-09-10T21:19:56.644+12:00Search for those stars<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It can be so hard to find the goodness in being ill. It can be so hard to stay positive and wait for that good day, hour, moment to arrive. And once it has been, to keep hope that you'll get another. That maybe next time it will stay a little longer, that slowly you may get better.<br />
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Then there are those who will never get better. Or those like me who will get better, then sick, then better, then sick again. How do you keep hope alive? For me it is a gentle flickering deep in my soul. Much like a star twinkles and flickers in the darkness of night. The sun may have gone down, our old lives of being well and physically able behind us. Keep an eye out for those stars. They are not as bright and obvious as the sun, but they are equally as beautiful. Equally as precious.<br />
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Your life is not over because you are sick. It will never be the same though either. Find some of your own stars in the darkness and hold tight. Before you know it, you will be gazing into a sky filled with bright beautiful starlight.<br />
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xoxo<br />
<span id="goog_1266321171"></span><span id="goog_1266321172"></span><br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-6772945099332577652013-09-09T22:02:00.003+12:002013-09-09T22:02:30.189+12:00Tough DaysToday was not such a great day. I can't recall the last time I felt this tired and worn out. The muscles in my legs are so sore, and my hip joint on the left side was bothering me. It was one of those days where it's tiring just to breath.<br />
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I decided to venture out today. Because I had plans to and wanted to get out of the house. In hindsight perhaps it wasn't the best day to be trying to get out. There was just this overwhelming feeling of wanting to live with my illness, and the main word here is <em>live</em>. Sitting around at home may be one of the only things I can manage right now, but it's not living. It's not the way I want to live anyhow. Getting out of the house for an hour, to spend a little time with people I care about, may have been pushing my limits today but it gave me something to focus on and time to think about something other than how much housework I have to catch up on.<br />
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Or how much pain I'm in.<br />
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Or how I will manage tomorrow, the next day or into the future if I don't start to get out of this flare up soon.<br />
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Because the anxiety can become overwhelming when there is nothing else to focus on.<br />
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Sometimes, even on the tough days, pushing myself a little is necessary. It's going to be figuring out when it is possible and when to say no that will be the tricky part.<br />
Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-66022779463358551762013-09-07T09:59:00.004+12:002013-09-07T09:59:51.237+12:00I am still here!I have been missing from the blog world for a <strike>while </strike>long time.<br />
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I spent some time pretending to be normal, an experience which has caused me more frustration than peace.<br />
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I spent some time avoiding the doctors and just trying to live.<br />
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I spent all my time loving my job, my children, my husband, my friends and family. <br />
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In the end I have not spent any time on me and trying to accept my chronic illness. It seemed nice at first to be getting better, which I was. To not focus every day on what was wrong with my body.<br />
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However I let it get too far. In my desire to avoid doctors, my tendency to blame myself for inexplicable weight gain and my need to feel normal I have ended up very sick again.<br />
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Now I think it is time to work on accepting what has happened and what is happening to me. It's hard but I have avoided it long enough. I now see that it is in this acceptance and learning to live with my fragile body I will become well. As well as possible for me, not in comparison to anyone except myself.<br />
Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-5042066813991474952011-01-30T20:43:00.002+13:002011-01-30T20:49:15.163+13:00Immortality DailyPost#15Yes I missed yesterday.<br />And with school starting back on Tuesday I may miss more.<br />However I am still aiming to post most days, even if I change my goal to a post a week, there'll still be more from me than last year so no complaining! ;)<br /><br />I decided to use the writing prompt from a couple of days ago;<br /><strong><em></em></strong><br /><strong><em>If you could live forever, would you? Why or why not?</em></strong><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br />If I was given the choice to live forever I would not take it. Surprising as it might seem, I have no desire to live <em>forever.</em> That would mean seeing all my loved ones passing on, it wouldn't take very long before I was extremely lonely.<br /><br />Besides, we are not meant to live forever. If we were we would!<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-16987896417508790002011-01-28T22:48:00.002+13:002011-01-28T22:55:54.622+13:00Outdoor Movies DailyPost #14We all had one of the best days today. The boys and I got to go to a picnic at a friend house, the twins got to catch up with lots of their school friends and I got to chat with the lovely Mums. It was such a nice way to spend the last day of the school holidays (Except for Monday, but I don't know if I count Monday since it will really be a busy day preparing for school).<br /><br />We followed this up with a trip down to the Arena to watch the outdoor movie with some of the same lovely friends, and also with my niece and nephew. It was such a nice night, not to hot and cloudy (Yet I still got sun burnt), and we got to have a picnic dinner. Bliss.<br /><br />I am now quizzing my lovely husband on some of the strange things I have been known to say in the middle of the night when he is trying to sleep so I could share, but he's drawing a blank. Too sleep deprived he says. Often I'm half asleep and get a sudden fear - like that a person/ghost is hiding in the walk in closet, or a rabid squirrel ghost is breaking into our house. By the time I have made my lovely husband go and check everything, he gets back to bed and I am fast asleep. More recently I have apparently had a fear that my legs are turning into trees. Yeah, i don't know where that comes from.<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-21023890935871420282011-01-27T20:49:00.003+13:002011-01-27T20:56:50.265+13:00Musings DailyPost#13It's been a quiet day today. I was feeling unwell and decided to let myself rest, so have been relaxing and not doing very much at all. Which doesn't really make for a very fascinating blog post.<br /><br />I have been feeling quite motivated to get back into exercise now that it is safer for me to do so. I went for a walk all on my own last night with some music and it which actually really nice. Maybe not the best idea given the chill wind and my ever present chest infection, but nice nonetheless.<br /><br />Tonight even though I haven't been feeling so well I managed to do 20 minutes of Pilates.<br /><br />And now I'm fulfilling my daily post obligation and listening to the twins arguing. TWO HOURS past their bedtime and they just will not go to sleep. So much for getting back into routine before school starts!<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-83441197290516408992011-01-26T18:57:00.001+13:002011-01-26T19:00:12.065+13:00When I'm reading a book... DailyPost #12<iframe class="youtube-player" title="YouTube video player" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/BuRuwR2JSXI" frameborder="0" width="640" type="text/html"></iframe>Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-29048308421845814462011-01-25T20:59:00.002+13:002011-01-25T21:12:25.505+13:00Unexpected DailyPost #11I had two very unexpected events occur in rapid succession today.<br /><br />It has been a reasonably long day as I'm not feeling well and I had to drag myself down to see my General medical Specialist. That all went well, nothing new there. I was very lucky that my wonderful MIL had the twins for me so they had a great time there instead of hanging out at the hospital.<br /><br />I managed to get my concerns across about my weight and actually be listened to. That was nice for a change. The specialist made some light hearted yet serious comments;<br />"With all you have been through, I would just enjoy every single day if I were you"<br />"Being overweight right now is the better alternative." (Coming off medication which would be BAD)<br /><br />But it ended up being a strange kind of day. Where small comments went full circle and gained much wider meaning by the end of the day.<br /><br />I got home reasonably late and decided we would have an easy dinner. During our meal I received a phone call from my Mum letting me know my Poppa is in hospital with a second suspected Heart Attack. I love my Poppa dearly and he is having such a rough time with his health.<br /><br />Just after hanging up from my Mum I decided to explore some of the blogs I used to follow before my blogging break. One in particular came to mind, of a fellow PPCM survivor which also chronicled her weight loss journey. I was shocked to find that nine months ago she suffered a Cardiac Arrest and passed away. She worried so much about her size and how she looked, right up to her final post. It really struck a chord with me, and made me think of what the specialist had said in a new way.<br /><br />While my sweet blogging buddy may have carried some extra weight she was a beautiful person. And a kind person.<br /><br />Which to me counts for so much more.<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-16822759349786770222011-01-24T19:23:00.002+13:002011-01-24T19:32:34.832+13:00A Sound That makes me Smile DailyPost #10<em><strong> What is your favorite sound?</strong></em><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br />My most favourite sound would have to be my two little boys chatting to each other. As babies I often wondered how the two of them would relate to each other. Whether they would have a strong bond, if they would be competitive with each other, if they would be friends or would barely tolerate each other.<br /><br />As it turns out, so far so good. At five years of age they have the typical sibling arguments - they are around each other almost 24/7 it would be odd for them not too. They definitely have their love-hate moments and times where they argue just for the sake of it. But over all they are great friends, and LOOK OUT anyone who crosses either one of them. They have an amazing sense for when one or the other of them is in trouble. It can be quite scary if they think the other is getting an unfair deal.<br /><br />I love also when they make each other laugh. They have the most amazing senses of humour developing and we can often hear them giggling when playing together or when they are meant to be going to sleep.<br /><br />Some of my other favourite sounds?<br /><br /><ul><li>Bird song</li><li>Waves crashing on a beach</li><li>Rain on the roof</li><li>Listening to all my sisters chatting</li><li>Craig's voice</li></ul><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-41812807618437744212011-01-23T21:51:00.001+13:002011-01-23T21:52:40.216+13:00DailyPost #9 Does it count?Does it count as a post when it is only one sentence about whether or not a post counts?<br /><br />Why yes. Yes it does ;)<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-71649532736231103182011-01-22T21:13:00.004+13:002011-01-22T21:24:01.320+13:00Growing your own DailyPost #8Well I have never been one to consider growing my own Vegetables and/or fruit. I am absolutely petrified of bugs, so the idea of gardening in itself creeps me out, let alone planting my own food, trying to keep bugs off it and then risking eating something that may or may not have a bug in it.<br /><br />This is not an entirely irrational fear. When I was younger a friend of mine had a huge apple tree growing in her garden. The one time I took one to eat, I discovered a hole in it before I took a bite. Thank goodness. Her sister was not so lucky and ended up with a mouthful of apple mixed with worm. I still shudder when I think of it.<br /><br />However I was lucky enough to receive a tomato plant for Christmas from my most wonderful childhood (Not the same as the apple incident!) friend. I have never been great with keeping plants alive, but with this being a gift and being a plant my friend had carefully grown from a cutting of her own plant I decided I was going to really try hard to keep this one alive.<br /><br />And I have.<br /><br />Not only is it alive, but it has grown amazingly well. On our kitchen counter. Now it is at the point I need to find a new home, and I'm actually looking forward to the possibility of having tomatoes I managed to grow myself! Luckily we have a glassed in area on our deck, so this is where our lovely lone tomato plant will go, and hopefully thrive.<br /><br />Now I have started thinking about what else we could try to grow, and ways to avoid my bug and mud aversion. I have found some raised gardens which would look lovely on our deck, once we can afford to buy some. From this lovely gift of a tomato plant I'm actually becoming slightly interested in growing more things of my own.<br /><br />I know some of my lovely friends have vege gardens, do any of you out there have any tips or advice for someone VERY new to the idea of vege gardening?<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-59189889336264584432011-01-21T20:31:00.002+13:002011-01-21T20:40:52.374+13:00DailyPost #7I had a few ideas for today's post:<br /><br />Seven Things I love about the number Seven<br /><br />An interesting conversation I had with the twins about Good & Bad (Will do this in the future!)<br /><br />A revisit to the Spoon Theory<br /><br /><br />However I am not doing any of these. Instead I am feeling really bad because I can be so unreliable. My memory is like a sieve at times, which is why I keep a diary AND a calender AND a computer based planner. But I missed something off all three somehow and ended up missing something important to my friend tonight. Worst of all it was a gathering and I think I kept everyone waiting for me to turn up, which I didn't since I had forgotten. AND because I am feeling really unwell today I wasn't able to rush down when I received a lovely phone call reminding me the party was meant to have started half an hour ago. So people waited for me and I didn't have the courtesy to turn up<br /><br />I really suck.<br /><br />I could just accept the fact I simply forgot, and forgive myself. Except I can't, I feel really bad and worried. And sick. Not such a great combination.<br /><br />So I just am not in the space to write anything clever, funny or thought provoking. I'm just wallowing and hoping I feel a little less terrible in the morning.<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-67741102353116517362011-01-20T19:19:00.002+13:002011-01-20T19:24:52.609+13:00Adventure DailyPost #6So today against my better judgement I decided to take the twins on a train ride, then a walk up to Daddy's work in the city. I'm not feeling the best at all -with an extremely sore chest when I breath and a distinct rattle in my chest it would probably have been better for me to stay home. However, then I would have missed out on the look on the boy's faces when we got on the train. I would have missed an experience, one I thought not that long ago I wouldn't be able to tackle on my own.<br /><br />It was very worth it, despite the fact I now feel sore everywhere and the rattle is even loud enough for Craig to hear it now. I am definitely going to rest tomorrow. But for today, I gave my boys an adventure. For today, we were explorers :)<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-57323313524054684092011-01-19T20:48:00.002+13:002011-01-19T20:59:53.842+13:00Why? DailyPost#5So it's mid summer here at the moment and the last two days have been, to me, incredibly hot. I used to love days like this, especially today where the sun was out and the sky was a clear and beautiful blue. That was until I made acquaintance with heart failure and her buddy Fluid retention. Whilst I am doing so much better in regards to my heart health, I still struggle with fluid retention particularly when the weather heats up and it starts to get humid.<br /><br />Added to this is my sensitivity to sun which developed shortly after the boys were born. I can be in the sun for as little as a couple of minutes and get burnt, I can feel the sun burning me the minute it touches my skin. I end up getting heat stroke very easily, and time spent in the sun can lead to a flare up of aches and pain everywhere. So i now slather myself in sunscreen, have a giant floppy hat and consign myself to the shade.<br /><br />Which is fine. I still get to enjoy time outside with the boys, despite my quickly lobstering skin, giant hat and swollen ankles. Though this summer I have been really enjoying being inside on the rainy but warm days playing board games and (Bad Mummy I am) the occasional PlayStation game (Our fav at the moment is Scooby Doo!).<br /><br />Which leads me to my question of today. WHY? When the recorded high yesterday was 30 degrees Celsius and the high today was somewhere near that (Haven;t yet checked) did our neighbour decide to light their fire? And why or rather WHAT in the world would cause horrible black smoke and a sickly horrible smell? Benjamin and I have had a annoying chesty cough ever since we inhaled the lovely smoke our neighbour shared. I ended up closing all the windows on what was one of the hottest days we have had.<br /><br />Which makes me curious. Am I going to be the scary/crazy lady who wears giant hats, sneaks around in the shade and locks herself inside the house on the nicest days of the year?<br /><br />Next summer should be interesting.<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-21946583753951416042011-01-18T19:18:00.002+13:002011-01-18T19:29:43.591+13:00Not a whole lot to say today... DailyPost#4This is what is going to happen when you post everyday I guess.<br /><br />And it's only day four!!<br /><br />It's been a busy, wonderful day with a very good friend of mine, and two of the twins bestest buddies. So I'm tired, in a good it's been a busy lovely day rather than a I'm exhausted for no good reason thanks chronic illness way.<br /><br />It does mean though that I am not finding much inspiration in today's writing tip over at <a href="http://dailypost.wordpress.com/">The Daily Post </a>. The tip is a good one, I just can't think clearly enough to write a post on it. So instead I will count a couple of my blessings for today.<br /><br />Number One: <a href="http://sickmomma.blogspot.com/">Aviva</a>. Your comments have made my day and I feel such a connection with you though we only know each other in blog world. I think of you often and pray for you to feel better, receive a treatable diagnosis, and one day even be cured! I receive so much inspiration from your posts. xoxo<br /><br />Number Two: New friends. One of my big blessings is connecting with a new a wonderful friend. It has been so so great to click so completely with someone, and so much fun finding out all the new things about my new good friend :)<br /><br />Number Three: My tomato plant is growing! This may seem a small thing, but with my history of killing any plant I've ever looked at this is quite a miracle.<br /><br />Soooo this is where I will leave things for today. I need a sleep!!<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-17671452147425456702011-01-17T20:18:00.004+13:002011-01-17T20:32:14.649+13:00Everything Happens For a Reason DailyPost#3<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWQdc5YwfCsZ7CKUiJNQ4tqjg_9G-L7PD-swsmBsKAg8lvbNfrOLiUJZWovdF41rTOPLkqg-QhkyrKVEykgF0ZNB3IVw9CrXJNDp5CfjLgrsXb1yu6nYWnme8scajueFeRkTNIH1DdXYvo/s1600/Blog3.png"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5563051149578120050" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWQdc5YwfCsZ7CKUiJNQ4tqjg_9G-L7PD-swsmBsKAg8lvbNfrOLiUJZWovdF41rTOPLkqg-QhkyrKVEykgF0ZNB3IVw9CrXJNDp5CfjLgrsXb1yu6nYWnme8scajueFeRkTNIH1DdXYvo/s320/Blog3.png" /></a><br /><div>I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason. I also believe that in the moment it is not always necessary or meant to be that we discover the reason. </div><div></div><div>For me, I believe that my husband and I were blessed with twins to help ease the pain of discovering we could never have another biological child due to my heart condition. I believe the struggles we have encountered as a couple have made us stronger. We have faith in our love for each other, but also realise from experience that a good marriage takes work. Our struggles, particularly through my initial diagnosis with Heart failure, has shown us that we can overcome even the scariest and life altering things life has to throw at us.</div><div></div><div>There are many other things I am yet to discover. The good and the bad that has happened which is all part of a bigger plan. That isn't to say that I think I have no control over my life. I feel I need to take responsibility for my actions and do all that I can to lead a life I can be proud of. My belief in something bigger than myself though does get me through some of the harder times in my life.</div><div></div><div>Here I think one of my favourite quotes from a classic movie (Kung Fu Panda LOL) fits in nicely:</div><div></div><div><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><p>"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it"</p></blockquote><p><blockquote></blockquote><blockquote></blockquote><blockquote></blockquote>xoxoxo<br /><p></p><blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></div><div></div>Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-39032383166534381992011-01-16T20:10:00.002+13:002011-01-16T20:30:06.697+13:00Wacky Advice? DailyPost#2Todays writing prompt:<br /><strong><em>Describe the wackiest but most useful advice you’ve ever received.</em></strong><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br />I have thought on this one for most of the day, trying to think of some piece of funny yet helpful advice. I have been in many situations to have received some real gems. Unfortunately much of the funny advice has thus far failed to be all that useful.<br /><br />So I changed my approach to this. Instead of focusing on Wacky <em>funny </em>I began to think about times I have received advice that seemed all good in theory but I wasn't sure how I could put it into practice. The times I have been given a small nugget of advice, and over time have realised I am actually holding onto a piece of gold. My favourite, and one which comes to me often is this;<br /><br /><strong>You can not change others, you can only change the way you see/approach things</strong><br /><br />Now this may not seem all that wacky. However in the position I was in when I first heard this I was confronted with a new and unfamiliar way to deal with my problems. Many times if someone was upset with me, didn't like me, did something to hurt me I took it as a sign that I wasn't good or kind enough. I worried insesintly and would do everything I could to try to "make" someone like me. When I received the above advice I realised it wasn't saying I had to change who I was, I couldn't change the other people involved and make them like me, I have no power over whether someone will enjoy my company or not.<br /><br />Upon this realisation, I also received the following advice from a close friend:<br /><br /><strong>I have an Apple and an Orange. If you choose the Apple, you are not saying that Oranges have no value. The Orange is still a tasty and nutritious fruit, it's just at this time in your life you prefer Apples</strong><br /><br />I love this idea. It is so simplistic without all the complications of human relationships, but still makes a lot of sense when applied to the situations I struggle with.<br /><br />This was a tricky piece for me to write. I'm kinda glad it's over for the day and it's only day 2!!<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-80555798865121907322011-01-15T14:56:00.002+13:002011-01-15T15:04:01.553+13:00If you had a time machine… DailyPost#1<strong><em>If you had a time machine that only let you spend one hour in a different time, what date would you go to?</em></strong><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br />Initially when I read this I automatically went back to the events of my past, imagining where I would go to spend this precious hour. It wasn't until I read a fellow bloggers comment over at The Daily Post that I realised one <em>could</em> go into the future and discover things which would be of later financial value.<br /><br />I still would chose to spend my one hour in the past. Not to change anything (well not majorly) but to re-experience one of the most precious and amazing times of my life.<br /><br />I would go back to July 4th 2003, early evening of my wedding day. I would choose to go back to the time just after we had our meal and enjoy my first dance with my new husband all over again. I would enjoy being in a fit and relatively healthy body once again, as well the excitement that came with the newness of our marriage.<br /><br />The one thing I would change is to make sure I had a Daddy-daughter dance. This is the one and only thing about my wedding that I wish had happened. The evening went so fast it wasn't until the next night that I realised I had danced with Craig but not my Dad. That would have just been the icing on the cake.<br /><br />Yes, to spend one more hour in Fiji on the night of my wedding would be bliss. I will forever have those memories, and thanks to this challenge have in some ways relived this moment!Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-51929672432593470602011-01-15T08:47:00.002+13:002011-01-15T08:54:55.390+13:00I’m Posting every day in 2011!Thanks to the wonderful <a href="http://kiwi101cultmovies.blogspot.com/">Nikki </a>I have discovered <a href="http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2010/12/30/how-to-sign-up-postaday-postaweek/">The DailyPost</a>, a blog which gives ideas and challenges on blogging each day or week for an entire year. And since I like to throw myself in the deep end I'm going for the daily challenge!<br /><br />This is most certainly going to be a challenge for me. I am hoping though that it will also inspire me, will be fun and enjoyable along the way.<br /><br />Any of my wonderful friends/blog followers who are still here reading my blog after my long absence, Thank you for sticking with me and Please help me stay motivated with this. Comments & Likes will be HUGELY appreciated and very motivating :)<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-70870587399779274092011-01-08T16:22:00.002+13:002011-01-08T16:42:20.759+13:00Kicken some chronic illness assHaha, I said Ass on the Internet! What kind of google searches will I come up in now?<br /><br />I've been feeling reflective today and thinking back to December 6th 2006, the day I was officially diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and faced an uncertain future. I have been thinking about how I view the anniversary of my diagnosis each year, and how this has evolved. I have always felt a sense of achievement as each year has ticked by, a a feeling of having won one more year of my life back from a heart condition I shouldn't have had to worry about for many more years.<br /><br />In the earlier years, as the first year of living with my diagnosis went by quickly followed by the second there was also a sense of loss, guilt and sadness attached to each anniversary. I looked back on the things my illness had taken from me - a chance to have more children, the experience of having energy to properly take care of my twins on my own, actually energy to do anything.<br /><br />Something has changed. I'm not even sure when it began, but certainly this year as my fourth year of living with a heart condition I was seeing things very differently. A sense of victory and smugness as I have survived. I am a survivor, not a victim. I have found things I can make choices about rather than focusing on the things I have no control over. I have a little evil chuckle to myself as I think of how this year I lived well despite the annoying presence of Dilated Cardiomyopathy and the increasing presence of an autoimmune condition.<br /><br />I get tired easily, I get ill easily but I also live well and I love every small achievement. Even if I get to the point that I am completely 100% physically well I would not want to put behind me all that has happened. That would be ignoring a huge influence in what has made me into who I am today. I'm getting to quite like that person.<br /><br />I also consider the odd day of feeling down, a few days of being frustrated by my body, some times of grieving for what may have been COMPLETELY normal. I'm sure I will still have those times. I hope I still have those times, they make me compassionate and understanding. Over all though my focus is truly changing. I feel for once I really am not defined by chronic illness. Just one example, I no longer feel the need to say I am a Stay At Home Mum due to illness, rather I say it is by choice. With factors which influence that choice of course but MY choice all the same.<br /><br />How lucky I think I am to have experienced such a life changing illness. How lucky am I to be surrounded by loving people? To have seen first hand the kindness of human nature.<br /><br />Lucky. And a hard working fighter. And though I know there will be days where I feel I am losing the fight against Chronic illness, I know I am winning the war :) I am living a blessed life with Chronic illness.Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-25876160813163626312011-01-07T21:09:00.002+13:002011-01-07T21:19:03.467+13:00ThoughtfulI have had a story buzzing through my mind for a good number of years (10!) now. I have always meant to get it all down o paper, not for the purposes of necessarily having it published or widely read but just to get it out of my head. To put the characters to rest on the page so they stop popping up in my mind all the time.<br /><br />I was part way through the first half of a very clunky first draft when I met my darling husband. Then I lost my desire to write as I was so busy enjoying falling in love and the consequent beginning of a family. All of you who have followed me here know what happened after my pregnancy, and with little twins relying on me and a struggle to regain my health any thoughts of writing went by the wayside.<br /><br />Until the end of last year (Can you believe 2010 is now last year!?!). I have been seeing a counsellor to help me unravel my feeling around being chronically ill, and I bought up how much I enjoyed writing and yet I never did it anymore. That story was still there, waiting to be written. It has evolved over time and my first attempt and restarting it hasn't gone well. I did no planning and jumped right in, quickly losing interest as it just didn't feel right.<br /><br />I also tried writing about other things. Short stories, stories based on my illness, anything but none of those eventuated as my old characters kept sneaking forward.<br /><br />So now I feel like I need to have a proper go at this. Once an for all get this idea out on paper and see where it takes me.<br /><br />My goal for 2011 is not to complete a novel. It's not even to write a certain number of pages. Simply I would like to get the workings of this idea out on paper. A plan for where I would go with this story, what the characters would be like. To see if it would work before I pour however many hours into writing it.<br /><br />Wish me luck! These characters have been haunting me for 10 years already so we'll see how hard it is to shake them!<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-59225237528677190402011-01-04T19:38:00.002+13:002011-01-04T19:45:38.368+13:00BusyThese holidays are speeding by in a happy blur of busy-ness. I have had the good health to enjoy a couple of outings with my three boys, and the good sense (Finally!!) to rest when I need to.<br /><br />We have managed a walk (albiet the shortest one) at Battle hill, a trip to the Horse races which my sweet Benjamin has been waiting a long while for, trips to the library, trips to the pool and lots of time with family and friends, especially one of my nephews and one of my nieces who make our family outings feel complete.<br /><br />In amongst all that I have had some really tired days. I had one day where I couldn't make it out of bed all morning, I was achy and sore and just tired. I felt a little bit of anxiety creep in, which always happens when I am that tired and have to stay in bed, and I managed to make it go away! It was such a relief and I am hoping that 2011 gives me even more insight into learning to live positively with my illnesses.<br /><br />One of my dearest friends Anushka is currently visiting the country she was born, and I am missing her very much. Any prayers, good thoughts, positive vibes whatever you like to do, if they could be sent her way so she enjoys safe travels.<br /><br />xoxoCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-37285966674286049022011-01-01T21:39:00.002+13:002011-01-01T21:46:25.576+13:00Happy 2011 Everyone!! :)Well a lot has gone unrecorded during 2010 but that doesn't mean nothing was happening. My beautiful little babies decided to go and turn five on me, meaning the beginning of their school journey and the first time I would be on my own five days a week.<br /><br />My health continued to be much of a puzzle, with my Decemeber trips to the specialists bringing some light and good news. My heart is functioning close to normal now and I am now in the maintanence stage, keeping this heart which has been through so much healthy. A second visit to the rheumatologist has bought a tentative diagnosis of unspecified Autoimmine disease. Unspecified due to the fact my blood tests have come back non conclusive but I display all the signs and symptoms of a autoimmune condition so have started on a medication (Plaquenil) which will build up slowly in my system over the next few months and hopefully will bring some relief.<br /><br />2011 for me is going to be a year of recovery and focusing on myself. I am going to rediscover all those things I enjoy, continue to learn how to live with chronic illness and try to feel less frustrated with my body.<br /><br />So if I had a new years resolution it would be this. To record more of what is happening during 2011 just to see how far I have come and to enjoy focusing on this journey called life.<br /><br />xoxo <3Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-7453802807513090172010-06-11T11:26:00.002+12:002010-06-11T11:47:09.036+12:00Did you miss me?I know I have missed me. The logical, think things through and upbeat me. I have missed the me that didn't fool myself. The me that went ahead with all medical advice because while the side effects of medications can be awful, the alternative (Being dead) isn't fun either.<br /><br />It's been an emotional few weeks for me. I could go back to January, around the time I last posted, and update everything that has happened. Or I could just start afresh. Pour my soul out and start afresh. Yes, that is what I will do.<br /><br />Time for me has very little concept. There is right now, what is on the calender for this weekend and when I am unwell I tend to forget altogether how much time has past. An unwell week for me feels more like a month. But is May (Which feels like a year ago!) I had a check up with my Cardiologist. Here's what he said:<br /><br />"Well, I'm very pleased with how things are looking. Your heart function and size has improved even more, and I think we can trail weaning you from one of the medications. Everything else should stay the same and we will re asses in 6 months. If we hold off seeing the rheumotolgist for now and revisit that idea if you start to feel unwell again."<br /><br />What I heard:<br />"You're cured! It doesn't matter so much if you take your meds now! Just take them whenever you like! Not rhemotologist, you are fine! YAY!"<br /><br />So just a slightly different interpretation. Just a little. But it took for me to get really unwell again to look back at that appointment and focus on what had actually been said and what I had badly wanted to hear.<br /><br />I took myself off the medication my Cardiologist recommended. I took myself off the diuretic too, because it's a PITA to take. I decided I would take the others when I remembered. There wasn't any need to be vigilant anymore. And for the first week I felt OK. I got a cold, which seemed to make it difficult to breath but that was normal with a cold really. Right? My clothes started getting tighter even though I was barely eating, but again my body sucks and likes to gain weight so...<br /><br />Then I thought maybe I should take just half the dose of my prescribed diuretic just in case I had a little fluid. Enter weekend from hell. I was needing to use the bathroom every five minutes. I couldn't focus on anything, I just had a constant feeling of a full bladder. The feeling like you are just about to burst? ALL THE TIME. I was even up and down all night. I thought to myself, this diuretic is bad for me I will go to my GP and get myself permanently off it.<br /><br />Even though my Logical side was screaming "YOU idiot, your so overloaded with fluid now"<br /><br />My emotional optimistic side said "Oh, it wouldn't hurt to take a day off the diuretics, this is a nightmare!"<br /><br />Well, it turns out I'm not a doctor. I'm certainly no cardiologist and in fact I am not cured. My heart is working well because it is supported by all these medications. Take them away or not take them properly (Like I have over the last month) and all hell breaks lose.<br /><br />By the time I saw the Doctor it was estimated I had 6kg worth of excess fluid in my body. That was after taking the diuretic for two days prior. My heart rate was high and irregular and the sickness I was blaming on the diuretic was actually my heart struggling to work with the sudden loss of it's 'life support' for want of a better word.<br /><br />So I had a heart to heart :) with my Doctor, and I finally let myself feel the emotions I had been trying to squish and ignore. I'm 27 and won't have anymore children - even if my heart could cope I couldn't. I will be on some level of medication for the rest of my life. My heart is always going to be sensitive to viruses (I always get arrhythmia's every time I am sick) and with a low immune system, I do need to be careful and look after myself.<br /><br />I was striving to be well, normal, like any other person in their late twenties. And all I did was make myself sicker. Today is the first day in a week I am not rushing to the bathroom every 5-10 minutes (Now it's down to 30-60 minutes!). I am feeling down and anxious for reasons I can not completely ascertain at this point but am sure being kind to myself will help. A flare up of illness tends to cause a flare up of anxiety.<br /><br />So just when I thought I had this whole chronic illness thing down I realise I actually have a whole lot more to learn. Like that chronic means for the foreseeable future, not just until you get sick of being sick.Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1563601354420149636.post-29193461840433859792010-02-11T19:00:00.002+13:002010-02-11T19:12:04.190+13:00Well I never!....I've been a little MIA from my blog.<br /><br />But for very good reason.<br /><br />When I started blogging, originally on a different site maybe about 2 years ago I never thought I would be able to one day write a post like this. That I would one day find a way to balance my life, be well enough and look after myself properly enough to be where I am.<br /><br />I am living a very full and busy life right now that <em>contains</em> chronic illness but is not <em>controlled</em> by chronic illness. My day no longer revolves around my meds, rest times, trying to find someone to help with the twins. Of course I also am not in the middle of a flare-up but I hope that when that does happen (I'm picking this winter, when my low immunity becomes a real pain) I will be in such a routine of balancing my life it won't hit so hard.<br /><br />I am now working in what would be my dream job. It fits in perfectly with being a Mum, and being a at times unwell Mum at that. I work while my boys are at kindy with one of the nicest people I have met, with gorgeous baby clothing! I am really enjoying it.<br /><br />I am really exhausted by the afternoons, and our house is looking decidedly untidy at the moment, but i figure with time these things will ease or become more manageable. We've come through so much, my little family.<br /><br />I'm so proud of us.Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07024610392324702135noreply@blogger.com0