Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Search for those stars

It can be so hard to find the goodness in being ill. It can be so hard to stay positive and wait for that good day, hour, moment to arrive. And once it has been, to keep hope that you'll get another. That maybe next time it will stay a little longer, that slowly you may get better.

Then there are those who will never get better. Or those like me who will get better, then sick, then better, then sick again. How do you keep hope alive? For me it is a gentle flickering deep in my soul. Much like a star twinkles and flickers in the darkness of night. The sun may have gone down, our old lives of being well and physically able behind us. Keep an eye out for those stars. They are not as bright and obvious as the sun, but they are equally as beautiful. Equally as precious.

Your life is not over because you are sick. It will never be the same though either. Find some of your own stars in the darkness and hold tight. Before you know it, you will be gazing into a sky filled with bright beautiful starlight.


Monday, September 9, 2013

Tough Days

Today was not such a great day. I can't recall the last time I felt this tired and worn out. The muscles in my legs are so sore, and my hip joint on the left side was bothering me. It was one of those days where it's tiring just to breath.

I decided to venture out today. Because I had plans to and wanted to get out of the house. In hindsight perhaps it wasn't the best day to be trying to get out. There was just this overwhelming feeling of wanting to live with my illness, and the main word here is live. Sitting around at home may be one of the only things I can manage right now, but it's not living. It's not the way I want to live anyhow. Getting out of the house for an hour, to spend a little time with people I care about, may have been pushing my limits today but it gave me something to focus on and time to think about something other than how much housework I have to catch up on.

Or how much pain I'm in.

Or how I will manage tomorrow, the next day or into the future if I don't start to get out of this flare up soon.

Because the anxiety can become overwhelming when there is nothing else to focus on.

Sometimes, even on the tough days, pushing myself a little is necessary. It's going to be figuring out when it is possible and when to say no that will be the tricky part.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

I am still here!

I have been missing from the blog world for a while long time.

I spent some time pretending to be normal, an experience which has caused me more frustration than peace.

I spent some time avoiding the doctors and just trying to live.

I spent all my time loving my job, my children, my husband, my friends and family.

In the end I have not spent any time on me and trying to accept my chronic illness. It seemed nice at first to be getting better, which I was. To not focus every day on what was wrong with my body.

However I let it get too far. In my desire to avoid doctors, my tendency to blame myself for inexplicable weight gain and my need to feel normal I have ended up very sick again.

Now I think it is time to work on accepting what has happened and what is happening to me. It's hard but I have avoided it long enough. I now see that it is in this acceptance and learning to live with my fragile body I will become well. As well as possible for me, not in comparison to anyone except myself.