I have been putting off a post all week. I've logged on almost everyday of said week and just stared at my dashboard, before checking out everyone elses blog updates. I've had such an up and down week it never seemed like to right moment to sit down and pour my heart out. Either I felt too down to make myself even more sad, or was having a great time and wanted to ignore the issue which has been playing on my mind for the last three years and has just decided to make a come back.
When I was diagnosed with Dilated Cardiomyopathy it was made very clear that under no circumstances should we contemplate a pregnancy at that point in time. To the point my Cardiologist made sure my GP went through suitable contraception options mere days after my first visit with him. This was the first time I began to wonder if more children would ever be in our future. Our plan pre-children had always been to have two, but after having the twins we realised we would love to add to our family one more time.
In fact, when I was diagnosed even though I was extremely unwell I had been to so many doctors that didn't believe me that I thought once I had lost some weight I would be all better and we could try again for another baby. We decided this at the end of November. This would be my new years resolution for 2007, something to aim for and look forward too. We were hoping to have a 2008 baby. I was diagnosed in early December 2006 and all those plans fell away.
I was much too sick for this thought to really play on my mind much. As time has worn on I've noticed that it is now when I am most sick the thoughts of having a baby plays on my mind. Bizarre, as I am not afraid to admit I struggle so much with the two beautiful children we already do have on these days. In fact, to have any hope of having the energy to get through the entire week my boys are in care/kindy 18 hours per week. How in the world would I cope with a newborn? Is this just a matter of wanting the one thing I can't have?
Added to this have been the recent opinions of both my cardiologist and the doctor we would most need during a subsequent pregnancy, my obstetrician/fertility specialist. My cardiologist is absolutely against another pregnancy right now. He's not sure what the future holds, but even if I fully recovered and came off all meds he'd be very nervous about another pregnancy. My obstetrician when I saw him said he would be very scared of leaving three children and a husband without their Mother and Wife. It's certainly not something these top specialists would be pleased about.
The fact is, I tried coming off my meds and my heart function declined. I now have fainting spells, I am carrying too much weight which is making it difficult enough for my poor heart let alone adding pregnancy to that stress. I have PCOS which means it's unlikely I could fall pregnant on my own anyway, hence needing support from a wide range of specialists even if the best case scenario - that I was fully recovered and off all meds.
I just wish I could stop yearning for something I can not have. I want to only focus on my recovery/health (and of course my family and friends).
I must add though that in no way am I upset or jealous of other people having babies or adding to their families. I am especially excited when someone I know is having a baby, as I know how wanted and loved they will be and I'm lucky enough to be a part of this new little persons life. The feelings I have are actually very selfish ;) Considering I'm lucky enough to have twins, I really don't know why I'm having such trouble with this.
I am feeling better about it all tonight, thus my being able to talk about it here. Hopefully by next week I'll be back to cringing at the thought of being woken at 2am by crying, followed by being spewed on and probably pooped on.