Search for those stars

It can be so hard to find the goodness in being ill. It can be so hard to stay positive and wait for that good day, hour, moment to arrive. And once it has been, to keep hope that you'll get another. That maybe next time it will stay a little longer, that slowly you may get better.

Then there are those who will never get better. Or those like me who will get better, then sick, then better, then sick again. How do you keep hope alive? For me it is a gentle flickering deep in my soul. Much like a star twinkles and flickers in the darkness of night. The sun may have gone down, our old lives of being well and physically able behind us. Keep an eye out for those stars. They are not as bright and obvious as the sun, but they are equally as beautiful. Equally as precious.

Your life is not over because you are sick. It will never be the same though either. Find some of your own stars in the darkness and hold tight. Before you know it, you will be gazing into a sky filled with bright beautiful starlight.

xoxo

Tough Days

Today was not such a great day. I can't recall the last time I felt this tired and worn out. The muscles in my legs are so sore, and my hip joint on the left side was bothering me. It was one of those days where it's tiring just to breath.

I decided to venture out today. Because I had plans to and wanted to get out of the house. In hindsight perhaps it wasn't the best day to be trying to get out. There was just this overwhelming feeling of wanting to live with my illness, and the main word here is live. Sitting around at home may be one of the only things I can manage right now, but it's not living. It's not the way I want to live anyhow. Getting out of the house for an hour, to spend a little time with people I care about, may have been pushing my limits today but it gave me something to focus on and time to think about something other than how much housework I have to catch up on.

Or how much pain I'm in.

Or how I will manage tomorrow, the next day or into the future if I don't start to get out of this flare up soon.

Because the anxiety can become overwhelming when there is nothing else to focus on.

Sometimes, even on the tough days, pushing myself a little is necessary. It's going to be figuring out when it is possible and when to say no that will be the tricky part.

I am still here!

I have been missing from the blog world for a while long time.

I spent some time pretending to be normal, an experience which has caused me more frustration than peace.

I spent some time avoiding the doctors and just trying to live.

I spent all my time loving my job, my children, my husband, my friends and family.

In the end I have not spent any time on me and trying to accept my chronic illness. It seemed nice at first to be getting better, which I was. To not focus every day on what was wrong with my body.

However I let it get too far. In my desire to avoid doctors, my tendency to blame myself for inexplicable weight gain and my need to feel normal I have ended up very sick again.

Now I think it is time to work on accepting what has happened and what is happening to me. It's hard but I have avoided it long enough. I now see that it is in this acceptance and learning to live with my fragile body I will become well. As well as possible for me, not in comparison to anyone except myself.

Immortality DailyPost#15

Yes I missed yesterday.
And with school starting back on Tuesday I may miss more.
However I am still aiming to post most days, even if I change my goal to a post a week, there'll still be more from me than last year so no complaining! ;)

I decided to use the writing prompt from a couple of days ago;

If you could live forever, would you? Why or why not?

If I was given the choice to live forever I would not take it. Surprising as it might seem, I have no desire to live forever. That would mean seeing all my loved ones passing on, it wouldn't take very long before I was extremely lonely.

Besides, we are not meant to live forever. If we were we would!

xoxo

Outdoor Movies DailyPost #14

We all had one of the best days today. The boys and I got to go to a picnic at a friend house, the twins got to catch up with lots of their school friends and I got to chat with the lovely Mums. It was such a nice way to spend the last day of the school holidays (Except for Monday, but I don't know if I count Monday since it will really be a busy day preparing for school).

We followed this up with a trip down to the Arena to watch the outdoor movie with some of the same lovely friends, and also with my niece and nephew. It was such a nice night, not to hot and cloudy (Yet I still got sun burnt), and we got to have a picnic dinner. Bliss.

I am now quizzing my lovely husband on some of the strange things I have been known to say in the middle of the night when he is trying to sleep so I could share, but he's drawing a blank. Too sleep deprived he says. Often I'm half asleep and get a sudden fear - like that a person/ghost is hiding in the walk in closet, or a rabid squirrel ghost is breaking into our house. By the time I have made my lovely husband go and check everything, he gets back to bed and I am fast asleep. More recently I have apparently had a fear that my legs are turning into trees. Yeah, i don't know where that comes from.

xoxo

Musings DailyPost#13

It's been a quiet day today. I was feeling unwell and decided to let myself rest, so have been relaxing and not doing very much at all. Which doesn't really make for a very fascinating blog post.

I have been feeling quite motivated to get back into exercise now that it is safer for me to do so. I went for a walk all on my own last night with some music and it which actually really nice. Maybe not the best idea given the chill wind and my ever present chest infection, but nice nonetheless.

Tonight even though I haven't been feeling so well I managed to do 20 minutes of Pilates.

And now I'm fulfilling my daily post obligation and listening to the twins arguing. TWO HOURS past their bedtime and they just will not go to sleep. So much for getting back into routine before school starts!

xoxo

When I'm reading a book... DailyPost #12